


Sign of the times

by cocomoraine



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019), 君の名は。| Kimi no Na wa. | Your Name.
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canon Compliant, Fix-It of Sorts, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kimi no Na wa. | Your Name. References, M/M, Soulmates, Time Travel, is that even a thing?, it will never leave us, semi-crossover, the angst is still there, trigger warning for, well for awhile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-02 06:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20271157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cocomoraine/pseuds/cocomoraine
Summary: Whatever they had, whatever they could’ve been, it will always bring them back to one place.Chernobyl.And to each other.





	1. endure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aka the Kimi no Na wa (Your Name) Valoris AU NOBODY ASKED FOR YET MY BRAIN STILL CREATED BECAUSE IT'S BEING A B*TCH AND DOESN’T WANT ME TO STUDY FOR MY BOARD EXAMS LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.
> 
> I did modify the plot of Your Name quite a bit so I can still fit it into the canon verse. If you have zero ideas about what Your Name is (but please watch it because it’s so good I’m), you may still have a grasp of what the story is about.
> 
> Three things: soulmates sort of, Chernobyl, sort of time travel fix-it. (FINALLY, I WROTE SOMETHING A BIT HAPPIER YET THE ANGST IS STILL THERE YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)
> 
> 1\. These all concern the HBO depictions. No disrespect intended toward their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. All lines and script information belongs to overlord Craig Mazin, and lines were also taken directly and modified from the movie 'Your Name (Kimi no Na wa)', all belongs to Makoto Shinkai, no copyright infringement intended.
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed, because, really, who could deal with my crazy schedule and priorities. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING BUT I NEED TO DO THIS TO GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
> 
> 4\. Some historical context was taken for liberties, but can be horribly inaccurate in the case of this fic. Please don't use this as a reference for your research or case study. 
> 
> This was supposed to be only one chapter. But I decided to split it, in order for it to be easy to the eyes. Hshshs. 
> 
> Here y'all go!

***

_ “There is always a feeling of searching. Searching for something. Or maybe, for someone.” _

***

**1985**

A tall man, in his mid-sixties, went out of the car, and into the front porch of his house. The house helper, Masha, opened the door.

“Good evening sir. Dinner is already prepared. At your own time.”

The man grunted, then took off his coat, and proceeded upstairs. 

“I may skip dinner tonight, Masha. I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on. Go home.”

After a few minutes, his tie half undone, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, the man stared blankly at the pile of papers on his desk, rubbed his face.

He reached over those and poured a generous serving of vodka. He drank it all in one straight gulp.

Life of an apparatchik is tiring and _ most of the time, a lifeless, boring job. _

There is no one to blame for the situation he is in right now, but himself. Besides, the man worked hard to reach where he is now. 

The words on the paper are all a blur. He stood up, and went to the slightly opened windows. The cool air of Moscow did nothing to calm his nerves. There are always work to be done, things to be seen into, people to involve in, and policies to implement.

Boris Shcherbina didn’t become the new Minister for the Bureau for Fuel and Energy for nothing. And now, he is up for candidacy as the new Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers. He has to do the job right, to get that position.

He wanted that position for so long, it would be foolish of him not to take the chance.

But there are times where he wishes that time could just slow down. He is not getting any younger. 

Oh, how he wishes to be young again, not young as those rascals who always create too much noise, and on special occasions, ruckus, on the streets of Moscow, especially after a few bottles to drink. Sometimes he wishes, thinks, what would he be if he wasn’t a career Party man.

_ Even for a day. _

***

_ “An open wreath is used to decorate a wedding _ _ rushnyk. The open wreath indicates that the two people’ lives are now ahead of them, and that their future is open and boundless. Their hands are then tied together with the rushnyk, as a symbol of unified life and future.” _

***

**1988**

Something soft nudges his foot. 

The man, in his mid-fifties, shifts. The distinct sound of a cat’s meow is now audible.

_ Funny. Did a cat manage to sneak inside my room again? _

He opened his eyes.

An unfamiliar ceiling greeted him. 

He immediately shifted his eyes toward the sound of meow.

_ I cannot see a damn thing. _

He felt his hands making its way, automatically, at the bedside table. It landed on the cold metal frame of eyeglasses.

He immediately put it on.

He took it off.

The man frowned.

_ My reading glasses are not like this. Did my eyesight manage to worsen itself up overnight? _

He stood up.

Suddenly, an overwhelming feeling of nausea, and a coughing fit made its way up to his throat. 

He coughed, feeling his insides burn. _ I feel horrible. _

He can only stare in horror at the hand he used to cover his mouth.

It was stained with blood.

***

He stood up, took a wild look around. _ Still cannot see a damn thing. _

He put the glasses on. And tried to find his way toward the bathroom.

He washed his hands and mouth under the running water of the faucet.

It took every ounce of willpower and self-control he had ever since considering a career in politics for him not to scream in terror when the face he saw in the mirror was not the face he was born with.

The face staring back at him now looks old, worn. Tired, sick. And definitely not him. Crystal blue eyes, reddish hair. Now, the hair looks thinning and scarce.

_ What the fuck is happening? Am I dreaming? Please tell me this is just some crazy dream. _

He splashed cold water upon his face. He threw the glasses at the corner, uncaring where it will go. He continued washing and scrubbing his face.

The face staring back at him never changed. 

***

The bed felt different.

It was the first thing Valery Legasov registered when he slowly opened his eyes.

The house looked _ startlingly different. _

He immediately went up.

He didn’t feel any dizziness the urge to cough up his insides, hell, he can see clearly.

And he is wearing _ fucking _sleeping clothes, for god’s sakes.

He slowly planted his feet on the hard, linoleum floor. He braced for the first wave of nausea as the stood up. But it never came.

_ What is going on? _

As he passed on the glass windows, still dark as the curtains were still drawn in, he feels an avalanche of emotions.

_ Fear, shock, sadness. _

He can only whisper the words upon himself.

_ “What am I doing inside Borja’s body?” _

***

Boris stood, wearing an ugly cardigan he found on the closet, wearing large, rectangular glasses, and stared at the cassette tape player, and four other tapes beside it.

He feels weak. It’s a good thing he can still walk around, the cat trailing after him. He ignored it.

He put a hand out to remove the hair falling into his eyes.

Strands of hair have fallen, and he can only stare in both horror and morbid fascination at it.

He tried to move around the house, searching for any clues as to where he is. He went to the window. 

Moscow. 

Good. He is not that far off. His eyes immediately caught up on the nondescript car parked on the sidewalk. He can clearly see the man inside, calmly sipping his coffee and reading the morning paper.

KGB.

_ Is KGB the one behind all of this? But how can they? _

If he tried to confront the agent, and demand to tell him whatever the fuck is going on, he might either be shot, or brought to prison. Both are ugly scenarios he has no desire to live in, so he is left with one choice.

Find out the answer himself.

He began to search the apartment, albeit slowly as he feels as if he is made of lead, for any clue that may give him some sort of light to shed into the hole he has fallen into.

***

Night has fallen, and he still has yet to find out how he ended up here.

To make the cat stop his (_ or her? _) meows, he fed it with some of the leftover food he can find inside the fridge.

He didn’t dare go outside, as he doesn’t trust that the KGB agent will not shoot him on sight. 

He can feel the tiredness seeping in. He looked at the cassette player. 

He hit the button to play.

***

“Sir. You have to get up. Or else you will be late. Again.”

Boris was frowning so hard at the ceiling he is now seeing.

_ Was that all a large, vivid dream? _

_ Maybe I am just dreaming the night before. It was all just a crazy byproduct of tiredness and vodka. _

***

He was reading the reports as the people who will be joining the weekly debrief with Gorbachev continue filing inside the room. 

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

He raised his eyes to see Charkov staring at him. Eyes emotionless. Calculating.

“How are you feeling, after yesterday’s events?”

It occurred to Boris that he doesn’t remember anything that happened yesterday. He was opening his mouth to ask Charkov what he meant, but Gorbachev walked inside the boardroom, and they all stood up.

***

Valery looked at the mess his apartment has become. 

He sighed. Then sat down to continue the work still has to be done.

It was only he saw that the cassette tape inside was played.

***

Boris looked at cold, dreary Moscow from inside his office window. The reality, _ the burning feeling of coughing up my insides, the receding hairline, the smell of that apartment. _ Boris still cannot remove the sensations running at full speed in his head. _ It all felt too real. That information. _

A knock interrupted his musings.

“Come in.”

Nikolai Tarakanov now stood and slowly walked towards his table.

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

“General Tarakanov. Is this a work visit, or a personal courtesy call?”

Tarakanov looked sheepish for a split second. But he soon returned to his stony facade.

“It seems you are back to your top shape.”

Boris raised an eyebrow.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, you were a bit jumpy yesterday. You keep dropping your things around. You refused to meet Gorbachev, though he didn’t take it quite personally, he thinks you just have a lot of work to do, and you nearly involved yourself in a verbal spar with Deputy Chairman Charkov.”

Boris’ eyes widen.

“I don’t understand, what exactly happened yesterday?”

Tarakanov looked concerned. Then slowly lowered his eyes.

“That’s the thing. Nothing remarkable happened around here yesterday. From what I can gather from your subordinates, nothing much has happened in your home life. But you acted different yesterday. As if you are not the Boris Shcherbina we know.”

_ What the fuck. _

***

Valery pressed the stop button.

He turned a look outside the window.

The car never moved from its usual place, the agent now having a smoke.

Sasha came around his legs. He bent down to rub her ears. The cat purred.

It’s a good thing she wasn’t disquieted at the intruder who was inside his body yesterday. He glanced down at his body.

As a scientist, he cannot find a logical explanation of how it all happened. He could always pass it off as just a strong, weird, illogical dream. The sickness finally giving him delusions he cannot control.

_ No. Impossible, ridiculous. _Valery shook his head. Radiation can be many things, body swapping and dreams so craftily created that it can be mistaken as reality, cannot be all induced by radiation or symptoms of acute radiation sickness. 

He suddenly stood up, and made his way to the living room, he needs a smoke so he can clear his head, albeit a little. As he was lighting a cigarette, he saw something he knows was _ not _created or done by him.

He slowly walked towards the small desk calendar in the tabletop near the window. 

His heart swelled. Tears stung his eyes. He picked up the calendar. Traced the scribbled writing now over it. _ I can recognize that handwriting. _

His fingers were tracing a hastily drawn circle and a question mark around the month and date.

_ April 1988. _

***

Boris was looking and frowning upon the dim bathroom light.

He faced the mirror.

_ Whatever is happening to me? It is clearly starting to affect my work. I can’t afford to have that. _

He washed his face, then dried himself. With hands braced upon the countertop, he insisted his mind to come up with a rational explanation as to what could be the cause, the root of all this.

_ Am I going insane? From the lack of sleep? Work? _

Nothing is making sense or adding up. He tried to dig around his head for memories of what happened yesterday, it was only yesterday, _ I am supposed to be able to remember it for god’s sake it’s only yesterday! _ But even with his willpower and anger, his mind came short of any information as to what happened yesterday. 

He cannot remember a single thing, even as to what time did he get up, yesterday.

Boris angrily shut off the lights, and sulkily went to bed. 

Before turning off the lamp, he noticed a white paper that he knows was not there or was not put by him, maybe Masha left it behind for him to read.

The paper contained a single line. Or a name.

_ Valera. _

***

Boris frowned at the cat now nudging its face to him.

_ Not again. _

He stood up, nearly knocking the cat off the bed, carelessly walking up to the supposed to be a living room. 

He grabbed the desk calendar and saw that his mark was still there.

Something new grabbed his eye.

He is then whipped with a splash of vertigo.

With the same color of the handwriting, he seen before going to sleep last night _ was it even last night considering the date, _he sees a scribbled circle showing the today’s date.

_ April 21, 1988. _

Underneath it, was a small note, the same line, or name from yesterday.

_ Valera. _

***

Valery looked at the talking face of Gorbachev, and resisted the urge to ball his fists, and wrinkle up the paper he is holding. 

He felt stiffly uncomfortable, wearing the clothes that _ haunt him every night, _ inside a body of a man who never left him, _ despite seeing him fade as the car moved away from him, farther, never to see him again. _

He raised his eyes to see Charkov watching him, with his eyes.

He felt sick, yet the symptoms he was so used to by now, did not come.

The meeting dragged on, and when it finally concluded, _ Valery thankful that Boris has nothing to say for today _, he immediately stood up, and walked to the exit.

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

Valery froze.

He tried to do a pleasant face, and turned to Charkov.

“Comrade Charkov.”

_ Hearing his voice come out of his mouth made him feel an avalanche of emotions. _

_ ‘I just stood next to people who did.’ _

“I do hope that the sickness General Tarakanov said to me yesterday about your health has finally abated? How are you feeling?”

Valery felt some sense of disgust over his fake concern on Boris’ health. _ I know what kind of man you are. _He plastered an automatic smile on his face.

“I am feeling well as of now, comrade. Thank you for your concern.”

He turned around and tried to walk away from the man as possible, without appearing as suspicious as he can do.

He can’t focus so much as he is trying to wrap his head around the fact he discovered today.

He is inside Boris Shcherbina’s body. On the year 1985.

_ Is it possible that, we are switching places? Is the Boris now inhabiting my body is the Boris of this year? Or is it also the Boris of my time, post-Chernobyl? Are we even switching, or I am projecting? I don’t understand, what. _

“Sir.”

He was interrupted in his musings by a woman approaching him.

“Sir. You have a conference to attend at Minsk at 1 pm. Should I arrange the travel details now, or you would like to have some time at your office before leaving?”

It took Valery a full minute to answer, the woman giving him a concerned look all the time.

***

Boris tried again to find anything that would give him a sense of footing as to where and who he is now in the year of 1988, because if there is one thing clear since this happened to him is that, this is not him, even if he aged three years. This is not his home, he never had a cat, and clearly, this man he is now residing in did something so bad or probably something worse that the KGB has assigned an agent to trail and keep a watch on him day after day.

Listening to the tapes only gave him more puzzlement than answers. But one word was being repeated through all of it.

_ Chernobyl. And that one of its reactors exploded. _

The other tapes also contained the same information, most of them are so technical, and about nuclear reactors, that Boris cannot wrap his head around it. 

He also cannot understand, why, and how, his name was mentioned, but it was done as if the man who owns the voice was just reading his name off the morning paper. It was clear that he was involved in it. Maybe it was because he is the Minister for Fuel and Energy, but still.

Chernobyl exploded. 

This is what makes all of this more difficult for Boris to grasp. Not only does he have to understand where he is and whose body is he inhabiting now, but he also has to understand how Chernobyl exploded and what is his role in it, and the man he is in now, what is this man’s involvement and how come he knows so much about it.

Is this the reason why the KGB has this man on its heels? 

The fact that a massive catastrophe and accident is upon its way to them _ I am fucking living in the future now _ made Boris’ head go in a million miles per hour.

He has to sort a lot of things. First, he has to notify the people way up the ladder. The Kremlin shall be notified of this, so they can be prepared when the accident occurs. Then, the workers and officials responsible for running Chernobyl shall also be notified. Then, he needs to track down who this man is, because apparently, this man holds the answers as to why the accident happened in the first place, and completely be able to ask the man to help him understand so he can prevent the accident from happening in the _ first place. _

_ Is that even possible, if I do something like that, will I ever prevent this catastrophe from happening? _

Before he can even formulate an answer to that, a coughing fit came, and he released it all at the white towel he immediately seen lying on the kitchen table.

He looked at the blood staining the towel. Suddenly, he felt weak, but he continued to move around the living room, finding anything that will give a name, a clue as to who the man is. If he can find out who he is now, he can track him in his present time, and ask him about Chernobyl.

_ He wouldn’t have any idea on Chernobyl. The accident will happen on April 26, 1986, a year from my time. But it seems he has the technical skills, maybe he knows how Chernobyl operates and will be able to find a flaw that can lead to the explosion. _

He saw a scientific journal poking from the shelf. He immediately grabbed it, and looked at the first page.

It is a study about RBMK reactors, published seven years ago from where he is now, four years ago from his time. The names of the authors all seemed familiar, now the challenge lies in pinpointing as to whether the man’s name is on the scientific paper. 

An idea. He remembered. 

_ Valera. _

He looked again at the list of authors.

_ Legasov, V. A. _

Is it him?

He tried to search more and soon came at a clipping of new article, safely contained inside a clear book, and that’s where he finally found all the answers.

The headline read:

_ “The new first deputy director of the Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy, Valery Alexeyevich Legasov, has been officially elected as a result of the consensus…” _

_ Valera. _

Finally. A name. And a place.

***

Valery stood at the study room of one Boris Evdokimovich Shcherbina, and tried to absorb the things he can deduce just by looking at it. 

He is now inside the body of a man who _ meant so much to him, his rock, the one steady thing in the mess and wasteland Chernobyl has become, but. _

The Boris he is residing in now doesn’t know about Chernobyl. Yet.

Suddenly, Valery had a thought.

He racked his brain, tried to think what his self would be doing at this point in time.

_ Probably at Kurchatov, being the Party-pleaser that I am, as Charkov pointed out that day. _

If he can alert the Boris or even the Valery of this timeline, tell him about Chernobyl, and what would happen, does it mean that the accident will never come to be, and everything would be fine and he and Boris would continue to live out their lives, not shortened by radiation sickness, there would be no blood on his hands, there would be no deaths, in short, _ a more beautiful future for all people involved? _

_ Will he and Boris ever meet? If he can prevent Chernobyl from happening? _

He turned to the clock. It is late to summon Boris’ driver to take him to his apartment at Moscow. Besides, it would look both ridiculous and suspicious that one Boris Shcherbina of this timeline knows where he lives. But he is the Minister for Fuel and Energy, he can know about any scientist or person that he wants to know. 

But until now, the Party has zero ideas on how nuclear reactors work. It was not even discussed in the meeting today, all they know about is that the nuclear power plants are working as they’re supposed to be, providing the necessary energy as required of them. They don’t even know the flaws of RBMK reactors.

He massaged his head. He tried to devise a way on how to do this properly. If his assumptions are correct, that the Boris of this timeline and him are switching bodies, then he must seek out the Valery Legasov of this timeline and tell him about the impending accident at Chernobyl.

He can only hope that the Boris of this timeline, trapped now in his radiation-weakened body, can figure out what is going on, at the very least. 

Because he doesn’t know what is going to happen, if time would be changed altogether, if that Boris Shcherbina learns about Chernobyl, and does something to prevent it.

_ Will we ever meet, if Chernobyl will not happen? _

***

Boris awoke to Masha opening the curtains, and softly telling him the time.

_ Dammit! Why did I shut my eyes? I didn’t fall asleep, did I? _

Last night, he was in the middle of devising a plan to evade the KGB agent and find his way to the Boris Shcherbina of that timeline, and ask him for further details surrounding both the man he is inhabiting and on the disaster itself. Because if he understood completely what is happening, _ or what is going to happen _ , he is stuck in the body of a man named Valery Alexeyevich Legasov, a nuclear physicist at the Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy, who played a huge part in the clean up and in dealing with the aftermath of the explosion of Reactor No. 4 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Powerplant, at the year 1988, two years since the explosion. Part of the commission formed to deal with the disaster was he, the Boris Shcherbina of that timeline, and if he is correct, that Boris is still alive at that period in time, but is not working with Legasov anymore due to circumstances Boris still can’t understand _ (all I know is that, everything Legasov knows on the reason why Chernobyl happened, caused him to be put into exile by the KGB, does this mean that the State didn’t know about this, or are they refusing this information?) _

Boris felt a headache forming in his head. If that is the case, then the State is doing a huge mistake, because according to the tapes, the damages and mortality resulting from the accident is huge and _ alarming. _

But, even if he cannot understand the whole story as to why the KGB will hold one Valery Legasov on house arrest, for having the information on Chernobyl, he has to seek the man out, and tell him about the disaster.

Maybe the Valery of this timeline can help him understand what will happen. And prevent it from even happening.

***

Valery looked at the sunlight streaming inside his windows. And took a breath.

He is back to his old body again. Now, it’s time to find out if his suspicions are correct.

He walked around his apartment, Sasha tailing him, finding any way or evidence that can prove that the man who was inside his body yesterday was not him. He needs to find out if it was indeed the 1985 Boris Shcherbina inhabiting his body. 

He bit his lip. _ Think! What could he leave behind as evidence, a scribbled handwriting questioning the date may not be enough! Anything! Anything, at all. _

Valery’s eyes landed on a small pile of papers on the kitchen table.

He looked at those, it was composed of numerous scientific articles bearing his name and his colleagues. Underneath those, are other news clippings detailing about the Chernobyl disaster, some parts underlined with a red pen.

_ He finally knows about Chernobyl. It looks like he is trying to piece together what is his and my role in the disaster. _

Something caught his eye.

It was a late news article about the Boris Shcherbina of his timeline, about him being sent to Armenia to deal with the earthquake that happened. In the margin of article, was a scribbled handwriting.

It was an address.

Valery saw another paper, with hastily drawn diagrams and notes. It all looks like plans and ways on how to leave this apartment, and.

Valery’s breath hitched.

At the end of the diagram, is a sentence that was encircled with a red pen. The end goal.

_ Go to him. _

He looked again at the address.

It made sense. 

He was looking for a way to go to the Boris of this timeline.

Valery looked again at the address.

_ Borja. _

***

“Straight to the Kremlin, as usual, sir?”

“We are going to do a detour. At Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy.”

***

There is only one tape left. That is where Valery will tell everything to know about the trial. No wonder the 1985 Boris managed to understand the basic gist of the accident at Chernobyl, but not the circumstances as to why he is now placed both on exile and house arrest by the KGB.

And then, there was that one tape hidden under his bed.

He kept glancing at the scribbled address on the newspaper article.

If the 1985 Boris made the correct assumption, that after everything that happened at Chernobyl, and the trial, Boris never left his residence. Never moved out to another, or the KGB demanding him to do so. Even if the KGB will force him to do so, Valery knows, that Boris will not be easily cowed. He smiled.

_ Should I seek him out? _

He looked out the window. The KGB agent now engaged in a conversation with a woman. Valery doesn’t know if the woman is a neighbor, or lives nearby. _ Does she even know that she is talking to a KGB agent? _

Valery moved out of the window.

He began writing on a paper.

What he saw that morning made things a little clearer. And that his assumptions are correct. He just needs confirmation.

***

Boris was close to being lost, as the secretary told him that the professor was unavailable for the whole day, as he has back to back classes, a conference to be in that afternoon, then a meeting in the evening. He was close to telling the woman that he is someone from higher up but before he can get the words out of his mouth, the driver approaches him and whispers, “Sir. Your secretary did mention to me yesterday that you have an early debrief with the General Secretary. She did mention it you yesterday, but she also told me to remind you in case you forgot it.”

_ Yesterday? I was not here yesterday! _

Boris pinched his nose. And closed his eyes.

If he is going to have an out of body experience, he has to make sure that everything else is still covered and working perfectly. He can’t risk losing his position now, considering there is more at stake.

_ Chernobyl. _

He has an inkling of who maybe inhabiting his body whenever he is at Legasov’s, three years from now. 

He stormed out of the room, not even sparing a glance at the flustered and shocked secretary, and made his way outside.

A man in his mid-fifties, wearing wide, square spectacles, looking and muttering something to the papers he is holding, and wearing a horrendous suit, passed by him, it’s a miracle they didn’t bump alongside one another. 

Boris was busy talking and/or barking orders at his driver, that when he and the man passed one another, he felt _ something _ that made him stop talking and walking in an instant.

The other man continued walking in the opposite direction.

“Sir?”

Boris looked at the retreating man’s back.

_ What? _

“Sir. We have to leave.”

Boris has no choice but to remove his eyes from the man. _ Duty calls. _

***

The man, sensing something inside of him, stopped, and looked up from his papers.

He turned around and saw another man, not around from the Institute as he can presume, as the man wears a seemingly expensive suit, and the glitter of a Soviet Union flag pin caught his eyes as the man turns around.

He raised an eyebrow and frowned.

_ Do I know him? _

Valery Legasov shook his head, _ nonsense. Never saw that man in my life. _ He then turned back at the papers in his hand, and continued walking to his way.

***

When the day finally came to a close, Boris laid down the notebook in his bedside table, and lied into his bed. He closed his eyes.

He failed to find the Valery Legasov of this timeline. Now, if he is going to be switched again with the three-years into the future counterpart of that man, _ he _ needs to know what he is trying to do and what are his duties, so _ he _ cannot screw up what he already established.

The last line after everything he has written, detailing what he has done and the conditions on how Legasov of year 1988 should live his day as him was signed as follows:

_ Boris Evdokimovich Shcherbina _

_ November 13, 1985. _

***

Valery can only look at the clock mournfully.

One day has passed yet, all his plans of evading the KGB agent failed.

He has to try harder.

But there is a limit as to what his body can now do. He might be able to try harder two years ago, but now, everything has changed.

A coughing fit again made Valery brace his hand on the kitchen table. Suddenly, he feels tired. Slowly, he walked up to the bedroom, but not before glancing at the calendar.

_ April 22, 1988. _

_ Is it still even worth it? _

***

Valery woke up to a soft bed, and a woman opening the curtains.

He feels disoriented. 

“Uh.”

It hit him that he has been inside this body for numerous occasions, yet he still hasn’t known the name of Boris’ housekeeper.

He cleared his throat. Hoping he can pull off a convincing Boris Shcherbina.

The last thing he wanted was this man to get into trouble. Who knows what could happen if things went awry from here. 

“What day is it?”

Masha continued drawing open the curtains, letting the sunlight in. 

“It’s a Saturday, sir. You mentioned last night that you have no immediate meetings or reason to go to the Kremlin today. Should I ring up the driver, sir?”

_ I have no work today? Does this mean I can finally use this time to seek out my past three-year self? _

“Yes. Do tell him there is someplace I need to be. It's not urgent per se, but I think we can leave by mid-afternoon.”

“Of course, sir. Breakfast is already being prepared downstairs. Again, good morning.”

When he is left alone in his room, he saw the notebook lying on the bedside table.

Valery read everything that was written. It both serves as a journal and a guidebook on how he should live his day as Boris Shcherbina of the year 1985. 

He understood. When his eyes fell on the signature and the last line of the page, he feels his heart tugging at him.

He had the same signature, even when we are now at Chernobyl. 

He can only imagine the man, and the hands which wrote the words he is now seeing, as the Boris Shcherbina he _ loves. _

***

Boris began devising his plan again to be able to reach his counterpart in this timeline. The words of Valery Legasov echoing into him, as what he had read from the small notebook left at the bedside table.

_ You are right in your assumptions. You, from what I can guess, a year from your time, would be involved in the cleanup and management of the Chernobyl disaster. I am working alongside you, but now, the KGB decreed it would be better for us to be separated than together for the good of the State. _

Boris snorted. _ Good of the State. _He bloody well knows what that phrase means.

_ There are only a few conditions you should do, if ever you find yourself again in my body. It seems like we are switching places, day by day, and have no recollections of what happened, when we are out of our own bodies. I managed to devise a way to remedy that and also to help us cope with what is happening to us. _

_ Here is a notebook for you to record everything you have done while inside my body, record or write everything. Don’t spare a detail, tell everything that has happened, so I will be able to pick up where you left off, if you should want to, or avoid ruining whatever progress you are flourishing while I am out of my own body. _

_ There are only a few conditions I must set whenever you are using my body. First, don’t search for the final tapes you’ve seen before, I’ve left the first four out there, in case you desire to listen to them again, to help you piece out what happened to Chernobyl. The final two tapes must only be dealt with me, and no one else. Don’t play around, I would know. _

_ Second, please be gentle and don’t forget to feed Sasha. You know, the cat. _

_ Third, please, if you are that determined in finding a way to reach your counterpart in this timeline, please be careful, and don’t endanger his life. _

_ He is an important man. _

_ Otherwise, please, do what you think is necessary. I would not be responsible if you ever find yourself shot by the KGB agent, I am not the one making the reckless decisions. _

_ Valery Alexeyevich Legasov _

_ April 22, 1988 _

Boris stood. Time to get to work.

***

Valery looked at the scenery outside his car. He can only wring his hands together, suddenly feeling afraid of standing face to face with his three-year younger counterpart. He has to do something. He cannot let Boris be the one to do all the work while inside his already deteriorating body. He has to do his while inside Boris’ strong physique, still not weakened due to Chernobyl.

_ Who knows, if both of them can prevent Chernobyl from even happening, they could’ve lead happier lives. _

_ Even without one another. _

“Sir. We are here.”

Valery took a breath, and stepped out of the opened car door. The realization gave him a twinge of hurt, but sometimes, _ sacrifices have to be made. _

_ The life of countless others, over my own personal feelings. _

***

Boris was looking left and right, trying to make sure he successfully duped the KGB agent into thinking he was still inside the apartment, living his daily routine. Slowly, he stepped out of the dark alley, and walked towards the other direction.

He wanted to have more time to reach his destination, but night provides some vantage that the daylight cannot. Besides, it will be easier to sneak around while it is night time, than being in stark daylight.

Boris tried to walk faster, fast enough this slowly weakening body can allow him. He knows that Valery Legasov is sick, it is obvious from his physical state and the coughing up of blood, but if he can make his guesses, Chernobyl is the one to be blamed for his poor state of health. Did the KGB even allow him to have the proper treatment for his sickness?

It would be risky to take any public transportation on his own, but he has to.

He can only hope that his counterpart _ never did change residences. _

***

Valery can only stare at _ his secretary, _as she explains to him that the Valery Legasov of this timeline is not present, and is at a conference somewhere. 

He closed his eyes. Took a deep breath.

“When he will be back?”

“The conference will take another two days, it is a three-day conference. I apologize sir, but if you come back after three days, maybe Mr. Legasov can finally accommodate you.”

_ Dammit! _

‘Can you tell me where the conference is?”

The woman raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry, sir, I cannot easily hand out Professor Legasov’s work details and entries except to family and close associates here at Kurchatov. What is your name, again, if I may ask, sir?”

“Boris Shcherbina, Minister for Fuel and Energy.”

_ Borja. _

The woman’s eyes widened, and she immediately flushed, and began turning some files at her table, Valery felt a slight twinge of guilt for inducing that panic into her, but he must do something.

“Forgive me, sir, but can I ask what is the interest of the Council of Ministers to Professor Legasov? Or is this a personal matter?”

Before Valery can open his mouth to answer, a man enters the room, Valery belatedly recognizes him as one of his associates.

“Talina, did Legasov left in you the files about--” he stopped short when he saw the man in the room with him.

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

“Uh.”

The man raised an eyebrow, tried to reign the shock in him. But suddenly, his face became hardened, conditioned by years of dealing with numerous apparatchiks.

Valery knows the feeling all too well. He has been conditioned to do it for several years.

“What does the Party need from Kurchatov now?”

He was suddenly attacked with a weird sense of vertigo, that his vision started spinning.

_ Don’t tell me. _

The last thing he saw was the woman standing up from her desk and rushing towards him, and then, darkness.

***

“A nice night to take a walk around Moscow, unattended, isn’t it, Comrade Legasov.”

Boris froze.

Slowly, he turned to see the unamused, and dead stare of Charkov directed at him.

“Curious. For you to take a walk around, without someone to guide you. Even if we specifically told you not to.”

Boris can only sigh.

_ Failed. _

***

Valery woke up an unfamiliar ceiling, still inside Boris’ body.

Masha immediately materialized out of nowhere.

“You forgot to take your medications, sir. This morning. I did put it beside your breakfast, so you can remember to take it. Yet.”

Valery was horrified, because this can cause problems if it continues.

“I’m sorry, I.”

“You need to take those, sir, even if you don’t feel like it. Doctor Mizkhov will not be pleased once he hears you are missing in your daily medications. We all don’t want a repeat of last year, do we?”

Valery has no idea what she is talking about, so he only smiled politely, and tried to do a tired grimace.

_ Why can’t I and my counterpart meet? Would the universe implode if we do? But I am not even Valery Legasov. I am living inside Boris’ body. _

He took the outstretched glass of water, and some tablets from Masha.

_ If I want to continue living in his body, I do have roles to play. _

When Masha left the room, he went and began recounting his uneventful day at the notebook by his bedside.

The ticking of the clock caught his attention.

_ I am running out of time. _

***

The switching of 1985 Boris Shcherbina and 1988 Valery Legasov continued. Both of them making entries on the notebooks and signing with their name and the date, to serve as guidelines and to help one another to have an idea of what transpired during the time they are not in their own bodies.

Boris tried to seek Valery Legasov even when back to his original body, but work at the Kremlin took more of his time, and it only got bigger, when Gorbachev named him as the new Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers.

He never found the time to seek Legasov, because he became swamped both with work and with his own ego.

***

Valery became exhausted on trying to devise a way to see Boris. Apparently, while out of his body, Boris did something that made Charkov increase the security around him, probably he got caught, and now, he has to deal with the aftermath.

He is slowly losing hope. And himself.

***

He also tried to keep up the facade whenever he is switched to Boris’ body. The man is now the new deputy chairman, so, it also means a lot of work and people trying to be on good terms with him.

Valery is always on the verge of throwing up whenever he shakes hands with these men, because he knows that these men are also the same people who tried to bury Chernobyl to the ground.

He is not inside his own body. And he is still continuing to lose his own.

***

Valery pressed the stop button.

He removed the tape from the recorder and player, and soon put it alongside the five other tapes he made. He wrapped it in the old newspaper, and tied it up with a string.

He slowly went down the stairs, and out the door. The cold air stung his face, and seeing the two KGB agents preoccupied inside the car, he made his way to the dark alley, and carefully put the tapes inside the air vent.

_ I know you would do your best. _

He did his best, but even with the given circumstances, it wasn’t enough.

Valery tried to think why none of his plans, or even the fact that he and the 1985 Boris Shcherbina has been switching bodies wasn’t enough to prevent what was supposed to happen, or wasn’t enough to create a difference. Maybe, it didn’t work because, despite the initial desire of that Boris to change things, the power that came with his promotion still shone brighter. And that there is nothing that can be done to stop what is happening.

He was destined to become one of Chernobyl’s casualties. Even a time-traveling Boris Shcherbina cannot change that.

***

The rope felt cold and rough against his neck. But he knows that this is a welcome respite.

_ Maybe Chernobyl was always predestined to happen, no matter how hard we try to change it. There is no way out of it, we all have to face it, sooner, later, someday. _

Valery smiled.

_ It’s time for him to welcome the inevitable. _

He can only hope that this Valery Legasov and Boris Shcherbina has a better fighting chance that what he and his Boris had. He also hopes that, they can have time to say those words.

He jumped.

The chair clattered, and his glasses fell to the floor.

_ tbc. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be nice to the trash, or tell me if I should continue on with this. I think this work of mine is kind of disastrous than my other works esp because I made this in the midst of my own review for the board exams, I truly need to sort out my priorities, wtf carl hshshshshs.
> 
> Constructive criticisms are appreciated! Please shout out abuse at me either on the comments, or at Tumblr: @cocomoraine, though I may be a bit late on responding, as I will be focusing on wrapping this fic up so I can finally study in peace. lol please, I am not getting afraid for my own future. I am fine, everything is fine *screams into my gigantic textbook* 😭
> 
> see y'all on the flip side, the end is coming for me. 🙃💛🌻


	2. 'our hearts will go on'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. These all concern the HBO depictions. No disrespect intended toward their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. All lines and script information belongs to overlord Craig Mazin, and lines were also taken directly and modified from the movie 'Your Name (Kimi no Na wa)', all belongs to Makoto Shinkai, no copyright infringement intended.
> 
> 3\. Unbeta'ed, because, really, who could deal with my crazy schedule and priorities. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING BUT I NEED TO DO THIS TO GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.
> 
> 4\. Some historical context was taken for liberties, but can be horribly inaccurate in the case of this fic. Please don't use this as a reference for your research or case study. 
> 
> I heavily recommend listening to Caleb and Kelsey's rendition of 'My heart will go on' during or after (whatever floats your boat) reading this one, because it truly captures the essence and mood of this chapter.
> 
> Thank you so much guys for the support, I'm still, reeling. hahaha. 💛😭
> 
> It's time to take my final slap to myself so I can wake up to the cold, and unforgiving reality that is my life. Hshshs.
> 
> Here y'all go!

***

“_Once in a while when I wake up, I find myself crying. The dream I must have had I can never recall. But the sensation that I’ve lost something lingers for a long time after I wake up.” _

***

**1985**

Boris awoke to a feeling of dread, sadness, and tears staining his cheeks.

He took deep breaths, and raised his hand to touch his neck.

He felt the phantom feeling of pain, hopelessness, and longing, but he knows, it is not _his. _

He doesn’t understand why he is crying, but suddenly, the tears came flowing.

Boris wept for something he feels he lost, but has no idea of what it is it.

***

He braced himself for the inevitable.

But when the morning came, there was no cat nudging his foot or face.

***

Few days passed.

Boris remained stubbornly where he is. No more feelings of being inside a body he barely recognizes. 

No more KGB agents trailing after him.

He desperately tried to think why it stopped, or whether the past few days was just a wild, sweeping, convoluted dream.

When he grabbed the notebook by his bed, he was shocked to see that the pages were empty.

***

He desperately tried to remember the name.

Valery Alexeyevich Legasov.

He tried to go to Kurchatov again, but duties prevented him from doing so.

Being the new Deputy Chairman gave him power, influence. The dangerous combination that can lift a man’s ego. 

Boris knows what is happening to him.

And he let it.

***

Valery Legasov.

He tried to remember why that name became important to him.

One day, he woke up after a night of fitful thinking, despite his many duties, a small corner of his mind is preoccupied with the thought of who that man is, and why his name is etched in the deep recesses of his mind.

He doesn’t know.

***

Boris watched his grandson play around the snow, her daughter trying to keep up with his energetic outbursts.

There was a ghost of a name being whispered inside his head.

He thought hard.

The name never came.

***

**January 1, 1986**

Boris Shcherbina tried to remember a name he is always repeating inside his head since last year.

But he can’t. He can’t remember that name.

He can only remember the vague feeling of losing something, but never a name. 

***

“Comrade Shcherbina, here’s to a fruitful and prosperous new year.”

Boris returned Gorbachev’s toast. He was the man who gave him the power, after all.

***

Boris Shcherbina became someone inside the Kremlin, both due to his reputation and newfound position.

He likes to think that he is someone important.

It helps keeps the nagging feeling of _ losing something _at bay.

***

“You are working too hard.”

“And you are meddling inside a ground you don’t want to go into.”

Her daughter faced him with determined eyes, those same eyes she got from her mother. Boris felt a slight twinge of hurt inside him.

Maybe the nagging feeling of _ loss _ was about her. 

But it has been too long. He learned to live with her gone for almost twenty years. This shouldn’t be a new thing.

He tried to keep his family at peace. It is what she would’ve wanted. But, her daughter points out that there are instances that he loves his job more than the family she left behind for him to take care of.

It hurts Boris’ ego to hear that from his own daughter, so when anger became his defense mechanism, he should’ve expected the hurt and shocked look upon her face.

He didn’t expect that she will continue to drift away since that day.

***

The shrill sound of a telephone ringing awoke him at nearly three in the _ fucking _ morning. 

“Shcherbina.”

The next words will be a turning point in the charade he calls his life.

“There has been an accident at the Chernobyl Nuclear Powerplant.”

***

It didn’t fully register at him until the file containing the man he is supposed to contact arrived in front of him.

It all came back to him, _ now. Sort of. _

_ Valery Alexeyevich Legasov. _

_ Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy. _

***

He was still pissed off at the scientist, with him asking about policy, during the early morning call, so when the man walked inside the room, it took every ounce of his training and willpower not to jump up from his seat.

The moment their eyes locked, he felt something inside him, Legasov’s eyes widened a fraction.

He calmed himself. And gestured at the unoccupied seat in the room.

***

He is still trying to piece together the reason why that _ name stirred something inside him _ when Legasov put his hands on the table and shouted, “No!”

Boris resisted the urge to put his hand over his forehead. 

_ This is a nightmare. _

“Pardon me?”

“We can’t adjourn.”

Boris is still caught up in his own inner turmoil, that he missed the imploring looks Gorbachev gave him to explain _ what in the world is this man doing. _

Boris mind goes into light speed.

_ Valery Alexeyevich Legasov. _

_ Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy. _

_ There has been an accident at the Chernobyl Nuclear Powerplant. _

_ Chernobyl. _

_ Chernobyl. _

_ What is the cost of lies? _

_ Four tapes. _

_ An unfinished one. _

_ April 26, 1986 _

_ April 21, 1988 _

It’s all coming back to him now.

“Boris.”

Boris’ eyes now became alarmed, and he met Legasov’s from across the table.

“Boris. Who is this man?”

Legasov’s eyes never left his.

“This is Professor Legasov of the Kurchatov Institute.”

He met the scientist’s eyes again, before facing Gorbachev.

“I do believe he has something to say, about Chernobyl.”

***

“Chernobyl holds over three million grams of U-235. And right now, it is on fire. And-- I believe-- exposed. Wind will carry radioactive particles across the entire continent, and rain will bring them down on us. Three million billion trillion bullets in the water we drink, the food we eat, in the air we breathe. Each bullet-- capable of damaging the genetic code in our

bodies. Each bullet capable of bringing sickness, cancer, death. Most of them will not stop firing for a hundred years. Some of them will not stop for fifty thousand years.”

_ There is still one thing not making sense. _

_ The future counterpart of this man switched places with me, for five days straight. And then it stopped. _

_ Why? _

“And this-- concern-- stems entirely from the description of a rock?”

“Yes.”

_ You, from what I can guess, a year from your time, would be involved in the clean up and management of the Chernobyl disaster. I am working alongside you, but now, the KGB decreed it would be better for us to be separated than together for the good of the State. _

Boris still cannot understand.

“I want you to go to Chernobyl. Look at the reactor. You personally. Report directly back to me. And take Legasov with you.”

The thing about being a career Party man, there is no room for introspecting one’s self. 

It might be the reason why he drifted far off from his own daughter.

Now, why Boris Shcherbina cannot pinpoint the reason, why the man sitting in front of him, something inside him screams_ that he is important. _

And that he is going to _ lose him. _

Boris’s breath got stuck in his throat.

_ That feeling of loss. _

_ It was because I will be losing him. _

***

Boris was soon standing inside a cramped apartment. A place he often found himself in the past year. Living inside a man who fought the battle he is now faced with.

Chernobyl.

He watched as Valery Legasov, the 1988 one, took his last puff of smoke, extinguished the cigarette, and put on his coat.

Boris followed where his eyes are staring at.

Bile rises to his throat.

He watches in horror as Legasov moves to stand at the chair, suddenly, his feet are moving, and he was saying, _ screaming at _ him to stop, listen, _ don’t do this. _

But his hands merely touched the air, and suddenly, the apparition, or vision of Legasov about to commit suicide, vanished, and he standing all alone.

_ “But the sensation that I’ve lost something lingers for a long time after I wake up.” _

“Deputy Chairman Shcherbina.”

Boris was back inside his office at the Kremlin, Legasov standing outside, nervously wracking up his tie

“The helicopter is ready.”

As he and Legasov are walking at the tarmac, he felt wetness inside his eyes.

Tears. Unshed tears.

He can always blame the air coming from the helicopter.

But he knows, it was that vision, of Legasov committing suicide, _ why does it hurt so much? _

_ Why is losing him, is something that hurts me inside? _

***

“I saw you, back then at Kurchatov, well, if I am not mistaken. I’ve always wondered what a career Party man like you would be doing around there.”

Boris wanted to confront Legasov, but there is an audience, and there are things that still need his pressing attention.

“How does a nuclear reactor work?”

Legasov looked a little shocked at the non sequitur. But answered his question, nonetheless.

When he finished explaining, Boris looked out the window.

He needs some space to think, before facing the danger.

***

“Get us directly over the building.”

“Boris--”

“Don’t use my name!”

He didn’t know, but hearing that voice say his name triggered something, which he valiantly hide using anger.

“If we fly directly over an open reactor core----we'll be dead within a week. Dead.”

‘Sir?”

_ I am working alongside you, but now, the KGB decreed it would be better for us to be separated than together-- _

“Get us over the reactor core, or I'll have you shot.”

Legasov stood, keen on ignoring every little thing Boris said.

“If you fly over the core, I promise you-- by tomorrow morning, you'll be begging for that bullet.”

Legasov won that round.

***

“I understand. You think, Legasov is wrong. How shall we prove it?”

“Our high-range dosimeter just arrived. We could cover one of our trucks with lead shielding, mount the dosimeter on the front…”

Boris turned to Legasov.

_ He is the one who knows so much about Chernobyl. _

_ Four tapes. All detailing how Chernobyl exploded. _

_ He remembers the phantom feeling of doubt and anger over the Party for how they handled the situation. _

But now, _ he is one of them. _

Boris never felt more conflicted in his life than he is now. Burdened with such knowledge.

Legasov nodded, then turned to Pikalov. 

“Have one of your men drive as close to the fire as he can, and give him every bit of protection you have. But understand-- even with the lead shielding-- it may not be enough.”

“Then I’ll do it myself.”

***

FIve thousand tons of sand and boron. And a helicopter falling out of the sky. Is what it took so that he and Legasov could finally be alone.

***

“Yes we are, and we’ll be dead in five years!”

Maybe that's what he meant. But no, this man, Boris saw, will die by his own hands and choices.

“You are going to die.”

He said that to Valery Legasov’s face as they were looking at one another, alone, side by side at the window, overlooking the town of Pripyat.

Valery’s face looked like as if he someone told him that another explosion happened at Chernobyl.

Boris can’t help it. He again feels the phantom feeling of loss, so evident, it started to burn his chest a little. 

_ Why is he going to kill himself? Is it because of me? Did the KGB force him to? Or because of this? _

All he knows is that this man, and Chernobyl, are both important.

“What are you talking about?” Valery’s voice now sounded so small, Boris struggled to hear it from where he is standing.

Boris faced him, suddenly weary, and tired.

“I saw you, two years from now, weakened, you said due to radiation sickness, on house arrest by the KGB. Us separated for the good of the State. I saw you, one night, I don’t know when, all I know is that it is two years from now, 1988, you’d kill yourself. I tried to stop you but I.”

Boris shook his head, he cannot fathom why this man’s death resounded so much within him. It feels as if each time he recounts the event inside his head, he too, is slowly killed inside. The man’s death speaks so many volumes to him, but he cannot understand _ why. _

Valery’s face now morphed from shock, to fear, then sadness.

He slowly walked to where Boris is standing, and softly spoke.

“I thought I was the only one. I thought I was going out of my mind.”

Boris turned to him.

“What?”

Valery smiled, ruefully, then turned his eyes to the window. The sunlight reflecting off in his glasses.

“One time, last year, I dreamt I was inside a gigantic house, so huge, yet, only one man lives there. I stood on the corner, at a spacious bedroom, watching a man, perhaps already on his deathbed, a crying young woman beside him, and another one, his right hand enclosed in both of hers. I didn’t know who the man is, but something inside of me screamed that I do know that man with my whole being, and that he is important to me.”

Valery swallowed. Trying to fight off some unnamed emotion.

“When I took a good look upon his face, I saw that it was indeed familiar. It was because, it is your face, but aged and weakened, from what I can tell, radiation sickness. I don’t know how it is possible, but it looks like we both saw how each of us is going to die, what will happen to us, when all of this is over. There is still a lot of work to be done.”

Valery turned to the window again.

“At least, evacuate Pripyat. They don’t need to be dragged into this.”

***

Boris always followed Valery. Even when a woman named Ulana Khomyuk came into their lives, and inserted herself into the mess, Boris always followed Valery. He is still trying to wrap around the things the scientist told him.

_ He is the one who knows so much about Chernobyl. _

Of course, there are times when their principles and upbringing still clash with one another, but they went on, they have no choice.

And in the quiet night, when Valery told him what happened, then he knows, what he experienced in the past year was trying to tell him something.

That it all wasn’t a strange, convoluted dream. Chernobyl is real, and it has happened.

And he and Valery Legasov will work to fix it. 

Valery also told him that night, something that shook Boris’ off his own axis.

“I do believe I was switching with your counterpart from the future, but I do admit I was harder to persuade.”

Boris tried to mask his shock, but he turned to Valery, begging him for answers.

“Then why didn’t you seek me out?”

“Remember that time, where I saw you at Kurchatov? I truly didn’t know you back then. The switching started only at the end of the year 1985. Then, one day, after I had that dream of him dying, it stopped. I tried so hard to keep the records we’ve made, and remember his name, but as the days passed, I forgot it. It all came back to me when you told me your name on that phone call that morning. And when you left me alone after the dropping of sand and boron on the reactor core, I saw that scene again, and there was that feeling again, of _ pain, longing, loss, over your death. _ Yet, I cannot pinpoint why.”

Valery looked at Boris, then ducked his head.

“We cannot certainly call this a peaceful working relationship. We do tend to argue most of the time. As a scientist, I cannot find a comprehensive explanation as to why the things that happened to me last year, _ happened. _But there is no logical explanation to that.”

It was Boris turn to explain things to him.

“Valery, I--.”

The name felt natural. 

Boris explained everything he managed to remember all of those that happened last year, the KGB agents following them.

***

Whatever happened to both of them, is similar, yet has no scientific explanation.

But both of them feels that their meeting has awoken more than those memories inside them, that same feeling that tells them there is more to both of them than what meets the eye.

Chernobyl is a mess, there is still so much yet to do, so it is a challenge to find time to introspect one another and _ why one’s death evokes so much pain and sadness. _

_ Longing. _

  


For what?

***

_ “There is always a feeling of searching. Searching for something. Or maybe, for someone.” _

As Boris thinks about the nagging feeling of longing_ , _he glances at Valery, who is slumped at his own desk, scribbling equations, and all of a sudden, the feeling dissipates.

_ He is an important man. _

It cannot be.

***

Valery stares at the soldiers milling, at the center is Boris, together with Pikalov, issuing orders around.

_ He is the man that mattered the most. And yet, I failed to tell him that. _

How can it possibly be?

***

“I’m not good at this, Boris. The lying.”

Boris takes a deep breath, hoping that maybe it will calm the inner battle between the logical explanations of his brain and the dramatic declarations of his heart.

“Have you ever spent time with miners?”

“No.”

“My advice? Tell the truth. These men work in the dark, they see everything.”

_ Maybe if I suspend all judgment and let myself be lost in the darkness of the things I don’t understand, maybe, I could figure out what this man means to me. _

***

“For your protection. At that depth, you will be shielded from much of the radiation.”

“The entrance to the tunnel won't be twelve metres down.”

“No.”

“And we're not twelve metres down right now.”

“No. We’re not.”

“We have some equipment here on site, but more will arrive by midnight. You can start in the morning.”

Valery looks at Boris.

“We'll start now. I don't want my men here one second more than they have to be.”

Glukhov throws the mask at Boris’ desk.

“If these worked, you'd be wearing them.”

Valery is again reminded of the ticking clock behind him. 

_ I need to figure it out. Fast. _

***

_ A better chance that what we had. _

Valery was taken back to the cramped trailer his in, after spacing out. Those thoughts are not his. He massaged his already aching forehead.

_ What is happening to me? What are those thoughts? Better chance of what? Fixing this? We are trying. _

He is distantly aware of Boris entering and putting a bottle of vodka in front of him.

“It's out, Valera! And the miners are making incredible progress. They say the whole job will be finished in four weeks. Four, can you believe it?”

“I know the job isn't over. But it's the beginning of the end.”

_ No. _

They both should know better than to raise each other’s hopes up.

***

“When this is over-- will we be taken care of?”

“I do not know.”

_ There are a lot of things I don’t understand. The man standing beside me is one of them. _

***

Of course, a rational mind would suggest that the reason why Valery is worried for one Ulana Khomyuk is that she holds all the information they need in order to understand why Chernobyl happened, and because she is a civilian.

But Boris Shcherbina’s brain decided not to become rational that day, so he cannot help it if he is both exasperated and _ in awe _of the man who is now engaged in a verbal spar with the deputy chairman of the KGB.

“I need her.”

Boris resisted the urge to punch something. 

_ You don’t know what you are going into, Valery. _

“So you will be accountable for her?”

Boris didn’t do anything, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that Valery nodded yes.

***

“Naive idiots aren’t a threat.”

Valery should probably say an apology, but the look on Boris’ face made him do a double-take.

_ I just did something so reckless, he shouldn’t look at me like that! _

Sometimes, Valery hates the fact that his mind can process and create thoughts in a second. Because what his brain is telling him now is something he doesn’t want to acknowledge as sensible.

But what happened to both of them, none of that made sense, _ right? _

***

The pieces are already falling into place, and what Valery Legasov discovers will haunt him until his time is up.

That is why, he didn’t find the courage to tell his realizations to Ulana.

***

Lunar rovers. Boris internally scoffed at the thought.

It was all Valery’s idea.

“To think that's what they put on the moon…”

“Well, not that one.”

Boris resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“I know not that one.”

Valery just shrugs and look at the monitor again.

_ The feeling comes again. _

When the robot moved, Boris cannot help but be joyous at the small victory. He glanced and saw something that made his heart leapt up to his throat.

“Valery what’s that. A smile?”

It makes sense, well, in a little bit, when Valery fitted inside his arms.

_ There is always the feeling of searching. For something. Or maybe, for someone. _

That feeling dissipated, in the small minute they were in each other’s spaces.

***

Valery can only hope, Boris doesn’t feel or hear his now thunderous heartbeat.

***

Chernobyl is not the ideal place to form _ attachments. _

But it is too late, so when Joker didn’t work, it all just crashed down to both of them.

***

“We use biorobots. Men.”

Boris will not _ adore _him any less. He knows that now.

Slowly, the pieces make sense.

***

So many days have passed, so many things he discovered, many things he understood. He can only stand at the sidelines and watch slowly, the man that became _ something _to him, try to reason his way out from Ulana.

Probably, he should have told Boris that it would be a difficult affair to reason a way out from a brutally stubborn woman like Ulana Khomyuk.

“What you are proposing is that Legasov humiliate a nation that is obsessed with not being humiliated.”

“We can make a deal with the KGB. You leave this information out in Vienna, and they quietly allow us to fix the remaining reactors.”

“A deal. With the KGB. And I'm naive…”

Valery can only stare at the rising desperation in Boris’ face. _ Why? _

“Valery, they will go after your friends, your family--”

“You have a chance to talk to the world, Valery. If that chance was mine--”

The desperation morphed to anger.

“But it isn’t, is it. I have known braver souls than you, Khomyuk. Men who had their moment and did nothing, because when it is your life and the lives of everyone you love, your moral conviction doesn't mean a damn thing. It leaves you. And all you want in that moment is not to be shot.”

“Do you know the name Vasily Ignatenko?”

“He was a fireman. He died two weeks after the accident. I've been looking in on his widow. She gave birth today. A girl. The baby lived for four hours. They said the radiation would have killed the mother, but the baby absorbed it instead. Her baby. We live in a country where children have to die to save their mothers. To hell with our lives and the hell with your deal. Someone has to start telling the truth.”

The thing about forming attachments while in the midst of a catastrophe in the Soviet Union, nonetheless, is that, it can either grow to become something else entirely or be dusted away due to many things. 

Valery Legasov can only stare at both Ulana and Boris, and on the man, take a good long look. 

Because, for him, it only _ grew stronger and now has a new face. _

***

Boris tried to temper the rising desperation in him. He already has this. He finally understood some pieces of the puzzle, and when faced with the reality of what can happen to Valery Legasov, it all fell into place and he now understands.

He walked towards Valery and held him in his arms. To his relief, the man didn’t move away from the touch.

“I can’t lose you, _ Valera.” _

He can’t help it if the words came pouring out. It was begging to be released.

“Boris, I--”

Suddenly, Boris found himself holding Valery in his arms, his reddish-brown hair tickling his chin. Deep breaths warming his chest and neck.

Boris held tighter.

“I can’t lose you too, _ Borja. _ Not like this.”

They didn’t arrive at a consensus on what to do regarding the trial. But they did arrive on a single point in regards to how they feel for one another.

_ It’s all made sense, now. _

***

Vienna was somewhat _ scripted _. Valery Legasov gave a tapered version of the truth to the whole world. Boris Shcherbina can only watch from the sidelines, and kiss away those words from Valery’s lips, in the sanctuary of his bedroom.

***

Valery holds into Boris’s hand, one night, as they lay in his bed, and allow himself to feel something he hadn’t felt for such a long time.

_ Love. _

If they can survive this, maybe they will have a better chance than _ them. _

***

“Comrade Legasov.”

There was no sound in the courtroom other than the fans, but it still felt deafening to his ears. He took a breath. 

_ It’s time. _

***

Boris’ coughs still echo inside Valery’s ears, and he followed him with his eyes, the ticking clock getting louder.

“Court is now in recess. Thirty minutes.”

***

Boris felt defeated, yet he managed to show Valery the blood-stained handkerchief.

“How much time?”

“Maybe a year. They're calling it a "long illness." That doesn't seem very long to me. I know-- you told me. I believed you. At first. But-- time passed, and I didn't think it would happen to me. I wasted it. I wasted it all. For nothing.”

“For nothing?”

“Do you remember the morning I first called you? Do you remember how unconcerned I was? I don't believe much that comes out of the Kremlin, but when they told me they were putting me in charge of the cleanup, and they said it wasn't serious, I believed them. Do you know why?”

_ How can I forget that day? It was the day that I realized, your name is the one thing I tried so hard to remember. And that some part of me keep telling me that you were something to me. And now, it makes sense. _

“Because they put you in charge.”

“I am an inconsequential man, Valera. That's all I've ever been. I hoped one day that I would matter. But I didn't. I just stood next to people who did.”

Boris let his hand linger at Valery’s back. 

Valery leaned into the touch. But he has to tell Boris.

He needs to know.

“There are other scientists like me. Any one of them could have done what I did. But you-- Everything we asked for, everything we needed. Men. Material. Lunar rovers? Who else could have done these things? They heard me, but they listened to you. Of all the ministers and all the deputies-- the entire congregation of obedient fools-- they mistakenly sent us the one good man.”

“For god's sake, Boris-- you were the one who mattered the most.”

The sunlight became brighter. Then, Boris intertwined his hand with Valery’s.

They looked into each other’s eyes.

_ Will we survive this? _

***

Valery forms a decision the moment Boris’ hand found his own.

_ A better chance. _

***

_ If we go down, we go down together. _

Valery turned to the jury.

Boris took his seat.

_ Will we ever get that better chance? _

***

Valery can feel some tears inside his eyelids. Yet, he continued on. They need to hear it. They need to know. 

“I've already trod on dangerous ground. We're on dangerous ground right now. Because of our secrets and our lies. They are practically what defines us. When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we cannot even remember it's there. But it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, the debt is paid.”

Valery faces the audience. The scientists.

“That is how an RBMK reactor core explodes. Lies.”

_ The life of countless others, over my own personal feelings. _

***

“No one's getting shot, Legasov. The whole world saw you in Vienna. It would be embarrassing to kill you now. And for what? Your testimony today will not be accepted by the State. It will not be disseminated in the press. It never happened. No, you will live-- however long you have. But not as a scientist. Not anymore. You'll keep your title and your office, but no duties, no authority, no friends. No one will talk to you. No one will listen to you. Other men-- lesser men-- will receive credit for the things you have done. Your legacy is now their legacy. You'll live long enough to see that.”

The prices they both have to pay.

For Chernobyl. For what they could’ve been.

“What role did Shcherbina play in this?”

If Valery can make his sentence a little lighter, then it has to be not involving any more people in this.

***

_ He is an important man. _

Boris watches, until tears made his vision blurry, as they take Valery _ far away from him. _

“I’m sorry.”

He turns to see the defeated and dejected face of Ulana Khomyuk, something he never thought he could see in the face of the woman more stubborn than him and Valery combined.

“None of it is your fault. Valery made that decision all on his own.”

Boris turned to the now-empty road ahead.

“And I was the one who pushed him into making that decision.”

_ A better chance. _

_ We will never have a better chance. _

***

**April 25, 1988**

KGB has done an excellent job of crafting a personal prison for him, Valery thought sullenly. He glanced at the tapes in front of him.

One tape remains.

He only knows of what Boris Shcherbina is up to, or what happened to him, through newspapers alone. He knows that the man continued working for the Party, Valery prevented himself from blanching at the thought, _ he should have known better, but. _

Valery knows. Even if someone hates the system he is working on, it would be a process, a large, tedious process, to extract yourself out of it. Especially, if you have been inside it for so long.

***

The sunlight is getting lower, and Boris watches the red of the twilight sky color his bedroom. He has been confined to bed rest after a nasty coughing fit during the meeting, which made his secretary more anxious for him, and Gorbachev looking at him with pity, _ assholes, I don’t need their pity, I want all of them realize what they have done to Valery! _

He glanced at the blank notebook he never managed to get rid off sitting at his bedside table.

_ If only I could turn back time, tried a little harder. _

_ I just need to tell him. _

He reached out and held the notebook.

Suddenly, he found himself at an open grass field, somewhere he doesn’t know.

***

Valery glanced at the small notebook beside the desk calendar. The one he and the 1988 Boris Shcherbina used to communicate with one another. His fingers ghosted over the cover, the twilight giving shadows and red-orange lights inside the living room.

A gust of wind hits his face. When Valery blinked, he is now in the middle of a grass field, someplace he doesn’t know.

“What--”

All of the apprehensiveness, the doubts, the questions, faded, when his eyes caught cerulean blue ones across the field.

“Borja--”

***

It was twilight, the sun slowly sinking into the horizon.

Boris held on tighter to Valery, both of them are solid, and warm, _ alive. _They are not dreaming, this is real, they have one another.

A light breeze made its way past them, the grass and some wildflowers swaying slightly to it.

Valery looked to Boris’ face, now older, wrinkled, and his hair receding. Boris is still captured by the sky blue eyes of the scientist, he is a second too late in seeing the already close enough balding head, the weakened face, yet, no one, in both of them, would trade the other for anything else.

“What is happening? I don’t know--”

“I don’t know either, Valera. But I am so glad to see you now.”

“I am, too. So much, Borja.”

Both of them swallowed back the tears.

The red-orange sky is now getting darker.

“What is the last date you remember?”

Valery was shocked at the question, yet answered nonetheless.

“April 25, 1988.”

Boris’ eyes filled with tears.

“I stopped switching with your other self after that day you’ve said. Now I know why.”

Valery’s tears got the better of him, it now flowed freely to his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Borja. I’m sorry.”

Boris wiped away the tear tracks from the scientist’s cheeks, yet more kept falling.

“Shhh, shh. It’s alright, Valera. I am here.”

“I can’t live in a world like that anymore. I just want everything to stop, I want to be with you yet, even that we can’t have. Will we ever get that better chance?”

Boris touched his forehead with Valery’s. 

A better chance.

How can they ever had a better chance, if they will always meet at the tragedy that is Chernobyl?

How can they ever had a better chance, if they will always be diverged for doing the right thing?

How can they ever had a better chance, if they only have five years?

How can they never had a better chance, if they did _ everything right? _

“I don’t know, Valera. But you need to know this.”

Cerulean met sky blue ones, glistening with unshed and already shed tears.

“I honestly don’t know, but if any version of ourselves get another chance, I hope, I pray to whatever deity is listening in, to finally _ get it right. _ And let me tell you this Valera, because I failed to do so and you deserve to know, you are the true man who mattered the most. To Chernobyl. To me. I love you, Valera, until my last days.”

Valery kissed Boris, and whispered against his lips, “I love you, you are important to me.” He opened his eyes, and smiled, despite the tears, “You are an important man, both to me and to everybody else. I know what I said back at that bench at Chernobyl. Maybe if we are both stubborn enough, we will get it right someday.”

The sun fully sank into the horizon. The air got colder.

***

A small sound of a bell ring. A _ rushnyk _appears, decorated with an open wreath, which ties two people, who were bound before Chernobyl can even happen.

***

Valery blinked, and he is now back inside his desolate apartment, a ghost of warmth and kiss still tingled his senses. He cried, and saw the final tape at the table.

_ We did everything right. _

_ We did everything we can. _

  


***

Boris stood alone his dark, and spacious bedroom, the wetness of Valery’s tears is something he still feels in his fingers.

Night has begun. 

The ticking of the clock continued.

_ We did everything right. _

***

_ “Once in a while when I wake up, I find myself crying. But the sensation that I’ve lost something lingers for a long time after I wake up. _

  
  
  


_ *** _

A ringing cell phone call, and pinging from a received email disrupted a man who is briskly walking on the sidewalk, en route to the train station. He is in his mid-fifties, wears squared glasses, a navy blue suit, plain tie, and has reddish-brown hair. He squinted his sky blue eyes at the screen of his phone, then answered the incoming call.

“Hello.”

A woman’s voice, also in her mid-fifties replied. “I do hope you are on the train right now.”

“Yes, I am.” he lied. “I will be there in,” the man glanced at his digital watch. “Give me seven minutes.”

“No more detours?”

“Who even told you I am having detours?”

“You did take a detour to the pet shop during that time of the presentation of your research findings to the panel, last week. Need me to remind you how I have to make a convoluted story so your reputation will not be tarnished?”

“I have to take that detour, mind you, at the veterinary, not the pet shop, because my cat got sick. And I don’t have time to go after hours of working at Kurchatov.”

“You love your cat more than your own research.’

“That is debatable.”

“Okay, just be here in the next seven minutes. Because I don’t know if that much lying can convince them anymore this time.”

“Why did you transfer at Kurchatov again if you don’t want to be associated with people like me?”

“Despite your tardiness, and the fact you have no filter when you speak, you are a brilliant person. And I like you.”

“That is heartwarming to hear.”

“Be here at 9:30. I can’t cover up for you anymore, how did you even became the deputy director if you are like this. You should have your own car by now.”

“You are one of my co-researchers in this, why don’t you just present it yourself?!”

“Because I like to see you suffer even a little bit, my turn is at the conference in Belarus, we’ve talked about this. Bye.”

The line went dead.

The man cursed both at his phone, and no one in particular. Good thing the way is not crowded, and he walked faster. 

***

The woman glanced at her phone, dark, curly hair, falling neatly to her shoulders, and smiled. She looked at the window, then walked back to the conference room, armed with confidence and _ stubbornness _that landed her a place as co-researcher in this big project.

***

_ “This feeling has possessed me I think from that day when the twilight came. It was almost as if a scene from a dream. Nothing more, nothing less than a beautiful view.” _

  
  
  


***

A man, already in his late sixties, wearing an expensive suit, is looking out of his car window, mindlessly listing all the foreign dignitaries he will be meeting for the week, when something caught his attention.

“Stop the car.”

“Sir?”

“I said, stop the car!”

The car moved to the side of the road, and the man, immediately went down.

_ Where did he go? _

The man frantically searched left and right. _ Trying to find that one thing. _

_ Or someone. _

***

The man, who is now nearing the entrance to the train station, made a stop, and instantly turned around.

_ I’m always searching for something, for someone. _

Another man bumped into him, and he was nearly knocked off, if not for his own feet who firmly planted him into the ground.

_ Is he? _

He began walking away from the train station. Unknown where to, but trusting that his own feet would guide him as to where.

***

Both men, searching, around in a sea of people, but their feet lead them into the middle of a park, people still bustling around.

The man in the dark, expensive suit, turned around, and met a glasses-wearing eyes.

_ Cerulean blue and sky blue. _

The man with reddish-brown hair, took a deep breath.

_ “Once in a while when I wake up, I find myself crying. The dream I must have had I can never recall. But the sensation that I’ve lost something lingers for a long time after I wake up. I’m always searching for something, for someone. This feeling has possessed me I think from that day when the twilight came. It was almost as if a scene from a dream. Nothing more, nothing less than a beautiful view.” _

The sunset.

A declaration.

A vow.

_ ‘The one who mattered.’ _

_ ‘An important man.’ _

Slowly, they walked towards one another, transfixed, ignoring the bustle and the restless movement of people around them. 

A sense of loss. 

Tragedy.

_ Love. _

It was the man with glasses who spoke first, they are nearly just an arms-length from one another.

“Did we already meet somewhere?”

_ ‘Wherever you may end up in this world, I will be searching for you.’ _

_ ‘Maybe someday, we will get it right.’ _

The man in the dark suit answered, also has greying hair due to age, but upon hearing the other man’s voice, looked younger, and radiant. He smiled.

“Something tells me we already have. But I don’t really recall anything, it doesn’t even make sense.”

They both laughed.

Tears were suddenly pooling in their eyes. But they are still both smiling. _ A better chance. _

_ Maybe, if I ask? _

  
  
  
  


“What is your name?”

It was spoken in unison.

***

  
  


_ “I didn't fall in love with you. _

_ I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. _

_ I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. _

_ And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you” _

― **Kiersten White, ** [ **The Chaos of Stars** ](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/17589089)

  


_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do hope I managed to give the mashed up concepts the justice they both deserve. Huhu.
> 
> Alright, I do know many of you already know, but I guess, I should tell y'all the reason for the slow updates, even more slower replies, and this being my final work as I now exit the spotlight. I will be on indefinite hiatus because I need to focus more of my time and resources to prepare mentally, physically, and emotionally, for our upcoming licensure examination to officially practice geology. (I mean, I just look at our calendar, see the few days I've got left, and laugh maniacally, please don't become like me). The exam is on November, and I need to take my reviewing seriously, because, yeah, there is a limit to the number of times I can jeopardize my own future. HSHS.
> 
> I do hope I can manage to come back, after a few months, bearing good news. 
> 
> Constructive criticisms are appreciated! Please shout out abuse at me in the comments, or in Tumblr: @cocomoraine (just be ready for replies maybe 3 months from now? sksksksksksk I am not ignoring you guys, I'm just--)
> 
> *deep breaths* okay. It's time. I'm doing this so Valery Legasov could be proud of me. Wish me all the luck and may this crazy, mess of a woman finally get her life together. Thank you all guys for sharing this first fanfic writing journey with me, it's both a pleasure and a wild ride. 
> 
> cocomoraine, signing off. 💛🌻
> 
> PS: see y'all for a full day during the Emmys. because we are all rooting for so many people and for one show.


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